Leviathan

I am the lover 

You are the loved

pedestal high

leviathan wide

distraught, burdened 

I have sinned

I have sinned

could not keep silent 

screamed it from the rooftops 

before my letters

met Atlantic waters

drowned in you once

ever willing to do so

over and again 

over and again 

over and again 

Oct. 17, 2016

minor edit Jan. 26, 2019

Weight

It's not going to be
stars and sunshine
all the time, baby

I weigh as much as you do
so let's do this

If you can weather my storm
and still make it home
our home
I'm game
for a life of what life brings

And with me
you will visit their grave
but not know how much
they meant
and yet you have all your memories, too
with what all those others meant to you
and I will never touch it
a veil covers it

Yet,
there will never be
another you and me
together to weather
a life with what life brings

Years upon us
into the unknown
under the arc of sky
and our dreams
fair and unfair
together to weather
our life with what life brings




January 28, 2015

[Excerpt: You're Entitled to a Life]

....




What, my dear, have you left opened?
A lock, a door, the drawer your gun's in?
come blazing
catch me at it
I just want to look around

I want to see if you've anything left of me
and what you've got now

I'll bet it's all benign and near-boringly plain
a couch, a chair, lots of books, her fucking hair everywhere
and your cats wondering, Who are you, dear?
Who am I indeed
wandering about


...






Excerpt of unpublished piece
AABAugust 2014

American Man

Full-time job

House
wife
kid

Car
truck
boat

motorcycle
cigarettes
gun


American
man
I know him

the greatest love
I never had


He is
nothing

& bound to
no one

he is
his own
greatest disappointment

redemption through
procreation


a man
a man
a man




AAB
December 2017

What It's Like to Be a Man

I have yearned in my heart to know you
to know what it's like to be a man

But I feel that you do not yet know you
or what it's like to be a man.

I dare not reveal I still love you
through your veiled smile
I taste your fear

Fear and woe and anger so deep, so deceitful
My love lost in the canyon between us
We misunderstand each other until the end of time
only aligned in our unique hate and pain
never again to cross with joy or happiness
I ache to not know 
what it's like to be your friend again.

Through my tears I know, I feel it
I am closer than you'll ever be
to be the hero, to be a whole man
who loves, owns kindness, and eschews cruelty.

Who wins here?  Who's the victor?
When I get to keep my love and woe
and you your indifference and secrecy?
Will I rise, even empty-handed?
Will love keep after time, through eternity
when unmatched, ignored, and deserted with firm purpose?

Although I am confused I understand
there is no why
there is no reason
and there doesn't have to be

But still I wonder 
what makes a man?  What makes a hero?
Do I have the strength to rise?
And be the woman, the hero,
my heart speaks to be?

May/June 2014

Atlantic Waters

I am the lover 

you are the loved

pedestal high

leviathan wide

distraught, burdened 

I have sinned

I have sinned

could not keep silent 

screamed it from the rooftops 

before my letters

met Atlantic waters 

drowned in you once

ere willing

to do so

over and again 

such is the tide,

the wake

Over and again 

Over and again

October 17, 2016

An Ongoing List

I want:

to pick up garbage
off the street
and by the stream

to be able
to do plow pose
and not feel like
I'm going to
break my neck

I want:

to learn how to do a
boneless

and to drop in
before I'm 41

and maybe do a
sideways
crow

I want:

to one day
do all the mending
in my closet

to garden the fuck
out of my garden
and beyond

I want:

to examine my discomfort
and for you to examine yours

to contribute something positive

to understand my experiences
do not define me
but help make me who I am

I want:

to stop romanticizing the past
and stop idealizing the future


I want:
I want:


I want:


to be here


now


and grow

with you.










July 2016

Didn't Need It

I didn't need it
but I got it
anyway

it's just a phase
it's just a phase
it's just a phase

stay with me


March 13, 2016

End is Nigh

I'd really like
to make up

before
the apocalypse





March 3, 2016

Resolutions

Allow me
to fuck up
again
and again
and again

and let me
get
the fuck up
again
and again
and again




January 11, 2016

What I Want

What do I want from you?
"What do you want from me?"

If you only knew,
if you could only see

with those damned
amber eyes

and that light that shines
from west to east
right through them



After decades, I can finally say:

A walk,
a talk,

a smile,
and a tomorrow.


And shall you
take a breath

and not know how
to love me
yet again,
yet again?


Oh, darling friend,
please, let's not
defend that sorrow.



What do I want from you?
"What do you want from me?"



A walk,
a talk,
a smile,
a tomorrow.






November 28, 2015

Philly Weekend

Dinner with friends,
old and new

ya'll got drunk
nothing new

crammed into
my car
going to a show

like we're all
18 again
or 22

punk house was
scripted,
typical

but for the lovely garden;
still zinnias
blooming
in late fall

back yard patio
carpeted

enter through the kitchen
where the merch is

down a semi-walled
hallway
(jagged drywall knife
on the floor,
didn't catch my eye
until we left)

show space is dark,
walls black
and nuts to butts

waiting for who we've
come to see

meeting nice punk rock
ypt's
by the near-useless fan
that's cooling me

and back to friends
cause who'd you come
to see?

band starts
about to hit some shit
up front
not knowing, but knowing
exactly what
to expect

what a show for all

like we're young again

arms of strangers around me
singing, falling,
screaming along

and during I notice
just how damned awful
sweaty I've become

and despite all the
nightly alcohol,
how pretty darned good
this band's got on

odd hot, humid November night
leave straight after
and stay up talking

old friend's forgotten
how loudly I'd
ground my teeth

learn how he and she
nightly, in unison,
grind theirs in soft, shrill
song together

I ain't bitter
ain't bitter,
cause how else does this
friendship find itself?

how does love work,
anyway, all by itself?

in spite of distance
and space
and years between

in spite of ourselves,
our lives,
and all we've seen

recalling what we've forgotten,
ill-will, hurt feelings,
and time we've spent

coming together
to be in good cheer
and bond again

To share our souls
as once you'd told me


Speed along home
through the night
with my husband

talk all the while
about art
and perception
and appreciation of things

sleep not enough
wake up with the late
dawn's light

and sometime
in
between

find time to
sneak away
and buy
yet another
gold and
diamond ring









November 8, 2015

Excerpt from Feb. 2, 1995

...


Do you feel my pain?
Do you think it strange?
What is
Wrong with me?


...


Do you get the joke?
You smile with half your face


...




2/2/1995

[Jamie]

You had a muse
and she
wasn't me

the light
in her eyes
is lovely

profile view
faces away
she's yours

and I'm yours
always




[image: Jamie 2019]


October 28, 2015

Tragedy

I've been taking a break from writing
but think
of you
often

and I'm learning
how the brain works
and how thoughts
can have meaning or be
meaningless

and how to try
and be mindful

to be mindful
of my thoughts

because our thoughts
are our energy

and this energy
carries me

through this world
I share with you

you're a town away
you're a lane away
you're a building away

you're just down the road
in the city we share

and sometimes I think
I may see you,
but not if you see me
first

and the daily news
becomes so sad, this mirror
of the worst of humanity

in its reflection
I must remember
my thoughts
and my energy

and my love
even if
sometimes
love isn't enough

and just recently
I've wondered

about you
and your thoughts

I think of you
and wonder



do you still own
a gun?







October 2015

Annapolis Waters

Met you on the dock

half on land

half on water

You gingerly jumped off

and held me with

half your body

The other half

oh-so-lovingly dedicated

to smoking a Marlboro cigarette

With half a mind

not to burn me,

a desire held too soon

a desire held too soon

February 26, 2001

On Writing, Spring 2001

3/1/1

I'm shaking
I can't speak in public
I hate what I think
you're thinking about me.
And you!
You can shove a sestina
up your ass.




3/6/1

If it does nothing for you, ask yourself why.



3/27/1

Many sounds of airs around me.
What is that?






Spring, 2001

Land

You are the land
the earth
and the sea

you are everything to me

you are nothing what you seem

You are the wind
the will
and the way

you are nothing of
what you say

you are more
than you could possibly
dream

And baby,
you've dreamt
of everything

I say I

I say I

I say I

I, I, aye

Baby, you are you
you are pure and free
you are the end -
what's
dear to me

you are the end
the will and the way


I say I

I say I

I say I
to grasp on hard
to let you go

I say I
because I know
there's no reason why

I say I
to survive

I say I

I, I

I say I

I, I, aye






Land





July 2015

Black and Gold

Walked by
and smelt a
Black and Gold

remembered
just what I'd been
told

you didn't love me
now or then

you wouldn't
be my friend

a decade or so goes by
when you see me
you can't match my eyes

it's all the same now
as then

your will I couldn't bend

don't you know my love?
it sends the sea
the vastest space between
you and me

it drowns and yet rises again


I will always be your friend

I will always be your friend

I will always be your friend




Walked by and smelt
a Black and Tan

remembered just
who I am

resplendent in my
truth and grace

I cannot be erased





Black and Gold




July 2015

Piece of My Mind

I lost a piece of my mind
trying to set things right

reading over old, old letters
why did you feather
that bullshit?

pinned a few dreams
on you

you showed me, now
didn't you?

lost a piece of my mind
trying to get things right






Piece of My Mind





June 29, 2015