Letter of My Life, Unsent

I've so much to tell you...

Normandy made me quiet
Versailles made me sick
up all night, paranoid on a train from Pisa to Rome
& Ireland, beautiful Ireland.
Hawaii, a rainbow everyday & a tiny dangerous penguin (with lil' sandals!)
Arm in arm with our charming, smart-aleck tour guide along the Champs Elysees
Getting scolded by an old biddy sales clerk in Wales
Dancing in Dublin with kids on ecstasy who want me & I want him & him & them.
& dancing, dancing the teenaged night away in Saumur,
but as an old lady.

I'm going gray.

I challenged a job I could not handle
I quit; left to garden, tend a beautiful space
did so for days through sun and rain.
& then my body became damaged.

Ah, what to do?
I teach a little, return to the library.
I work with children -- a new and scary thing for me
but I wing it & it's fun
& occasionally I get a hug & some young one tells me they love me.

A while back I got married; stay married.
Realized a sacrificed life is an amazing life
Realized my life is not my life, but also his life
& my family's life, & his family's life, & my nieces' lives...
& I remain and find my love
realizing it's all I have to give
fuck money & my feelings & any plans or material things
(although I like a lot & collect many material things)
I return to the faith of my love
try to rekindle my art
Find friends, keep friends, find meaning, good times
Grit my teeth at the past; accept it as a part of me.
Did yoga for a little, found it helpful for my breathing
When I model I find this useful as I sit & think.

Stopped writing, started writing again, bought a camera in a Wawa parking lot off Craigslist.
Learned a lot of shit; forgot a lot of shit.
Looked up a few old friends
see them pursue their lives:
Lawyers, doctors, parents, abusers, & addicts & missing & dead.
Met a lot of people & heard their stories
& tried not to forget them
(which can be hard if you don't write about them)
Sent cards if I remembered & made the effort.
Listened to music, saw some shows, one band so heavy & loud I thought my organs were going to vibrate out of my body!

Came to love Maryland; came to love Baltimore
(although my car got broken into -- just once)
Ran a little; stopped running (damaged my body, again my poor body!)
Admitted finally
I do not wish to have children
But am happy to keep a family
Sometimes do housework
& often watch a lot of t.v.
& learn from my husband
the fine art of relaxing & watching bad movies
& joking Every. Single. Day.

That's sort of it in a nutshell -- 
a few other places, a few other lessons.
But know that when I saw you, I felt happy.
& when I read your work, I feel happy
& I love having known you
& I would still love to know you
so whenever you're ready, I'm ready.
As a friend, I'm faithful, I will never forget you.
I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you.

You are worth it.

& I ask, as Whitman did:

"Camerado, I give you my hand
I give you my love, more precious than money
I give you myself, before preaching or law
Will you give me yourself?
Will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?"

The offer's on the table.

& I remain ever faithful,

Your friend always,


Anne